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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Things The World Doesn't Need

Angry Conservative Radio Talk Show Hosts
I think we already have a surplus, plus Michael Savage has to count multiple times, mainly because he is a nut many times over. How about some informative or even funny conservative talk show hosts? Hell, I like G. Gordon Liddy.

People Who Are Famous For Being Famous
I would call Paris Hilton a talentless bimbo, but that would be incorrect...I confess to seeing one of her "videos" once, and I admit that she does have at least one talent: the problem is that said talent can only be exercised legally in Nevada. Enough already with people who seem to garner attention for simply being genetically linked to someone who once worked hard.

Diets That Include Pre-Packaged Food
Maybe I'm missing something here, but if you want to keep weight off, don't you need to learn how to eat regular food (in moderation)? I mean is the plan that you eat Nutrisystem food until you are like 89 years old?

Reality Shows That Involve Young Pretty Young Ladies Living In A House Together
I think the title explains it all. There seem to be about 50 shows on cable now that have the same premise: several young, attractive ladies live together and get on each others nerves. Many smoke too much. All use foul language that must be bleeped repeatedly. None seem to be in school.

Tobacco Companies
Hey, let's create an market a product that is guaranteed to kill 60% of it's consumers. Wait, isn't that actually bad???? Seriously, the more you think about what these companies do, the more it reads like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone.

Celebrity Micro-Dog Pets
Even more pathetic than the mere sight of someone famous for being famous is the sight of a small micro-dog slung in their arms like so many high school textbooks. Hey, I'm all for people having fact recently back-from-the-dead actor Mickey Rourke said "Sometimes when a man's alone, that's all you've got is your dog"...and that's real. What's fake? Treating a pet like a fashion accessory.

Viagra (& Similar Product) Advertisements
Call me old fashioned, but I just don't think that talking about "ED" is appropriate anywhere but on those sleazy pay-per-view movie channels you get in hotels. There are things about Bob Dole that only Libby Dole should know about.

Comedians Who Tell "Funny Stories"
I'm sorry, but if I'm listening to a comedian and it takes more than five minutes to get to the punchline, then I'm just tuning out. Sorry Artie Lange. Maybe I'm just too much of an American, but I just don't have the patience.

Celebrities In Expensive Rehab Facilities
There was a time when it was considered shameful to be a drunk or a dope fiend. Now it's considered trendy. Personally I think it's shameful...not to be in rehab per sey, but to get your ass into the situation where you need to go in the first place. This is especially telling for celebrities. Precisely how horrible can the life be of someone who gets paid millions of dollars a year to memorize lines, tell jokes or sing? If anyone, there should be an abundance of sanitation workers in that is a stressful job (90 degree heat and bags of stinky garbage...hell that would make me do dope).

Energy Drinks
How many different ways can you package massive doses of caffeine? Seriously, it's all just coffee that tastes like carbonated fruit juice.

"Special Guests" On CDs
Now I'm not an expert on the whole urban rap culture thing, but I do find the constant use of "special guests" on rap CDs to be funny. Let's think back to the late 60's, you know, back in the days when an artist had enough talent to actually carry an album on their own. Wow, what a concept. You didn't have "The Rolling Stones: Let It Bleed, with special guest Rod Stewart", mainly because neither the Stones nor Stewart needed anyone to help them put out an entire musical work.

Miscellaneous Items:
...Any more Eddie Murphy movies (I want to sue him for the rental cost of "Pluto Nash")
...Social networking sites (I think the current count of 2 million offers sufficient choice)
...College basketball teams with low graduation rates (unless a coach graduates 70%+ fire'm)
...Comparisons to Joe Paterno (JoePa is the man, and there is only one)
..."Morning Zoo" radio programs
...Botox (I liked it better when botulism killed people instead of making Madonnas lips puffy)
...Celebrity Religions (we all know Madonna, Tom Cruise, et all have been helped so much)

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