I Have Questions...for my fellow Dads

The following has been attributed to Attorney General Pam Bondi:

 "If we prosecute everybody in the Epstein Files, the whole system will collapse" 

For the record, I can't find evidence that directly ties her to this comment though, and in fact it has been deemed in accurate by Snopes (attribution here:  https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/bondi-epstein-files-system-collapse/).

Yet this is where we are in that the quote seems entirely plausible, given the dynamics of life and politics in the United States of America right now.

Yes, this is a posting about the Epstein files.  Now, are some on the political left using the Epstein files as a tool to hammer the current presidential administration?  Sure.  This kind of stuff is as old as politics itself has existed.  But discussions like that ("...well the left...") are utterly meaningless in the larger sense of things in that, motivations aside, one simple fact remains:

Jeffrey Epstein ran a criminal enterprise that allowed rich and powerful people to sexually assault children and young women.

I will also add the following:

The United States government (and other world governments) has done virtually nothing to bring the folks that engaged in that abusing behavior...towards children and young women...to justice.  Why?  Because those same folks are rich and powerful.

Take a step back for a moment and consider just how utterly terrible all of this actually is; it is as if the plot for some horrible thriller has actually turned out to be real life.  Because it has.  

In particular, if you are a father of daughter(s), regardless of their age, I am wondering why you are not personally outraged at all of this; if you have been publicly silent* on this horribleness, why?  Because it doesn't directly impact you or your daughters?  When all is said and done, none of us are really above others by design.  Some folks achieve greatness in their lives, others live a quiet but good life.  Others are deeply flawed.  Regardless, we are all people.  If you are a parent (especially if you are a father of daughters), do you honestly believe that the lives of the children and young women victimized by Epstein and his rich/powerful friends really don't matter all that much?  Or are you afraid that the societal price for bringing to justice the rich/powerful people that engaged in this stuff will be too high?

To those last two questions, I offer the following quote, attributed to a labor lawyer (Attorney Ryan) I follow on social media:

"Anything that would be destroyed by the truth has no right to exist at all."

Citation HERE.  Ratcheting this up, we have the president publicly stating that he thinks the country has/should move on from this issue (citation HERE).  Well, I say that "getting on with something else" in the face of what we know now is a moral failure...second only to the fact the collective us took so long to recognize this whole thing in the first place. 

The "collective us" includes me, and I have been guilty.  Like many, when I first heard of Epstein and these allegations, my reaction was dismissive at what seemed like yet another in a series of Internet conspiracy theories running rampant on social media.  I claim not to be perfect, but I also know that I can learn.  And what I've learned about Epstein makes me wholeheartedly believe that our society as it stands now needs to fundamentally change, moving from the rotted belief that the life of some tech billionaire is so much more inherently important than the life of an innocent girl.  Any innocent girl.  Indifference is easy here, but if you are the father of at least one daughter, again, then would you allow your daughter to be sacrificed for the ego and pleasures of a billionaire?  

If your answer to that last question is "yes" or "I don't care", then you have no right to call yourself a parent, let alone a dad.

Moving forward, everyone who supported Epstein and his evil empire needs to be brought to justice.  All of them.  Every.  Single.  One.  For far too long, the cost of those crimes has been born by children; it's about time that the adults start to pay.  No matter what the cost, we fail to live up to the title of being civilized with every passing day when perpetrators go on about their lives while victims remain damaged.

Once some measure of justice begins to be actualized, then we have an even greater challenge ahead of us: How was it that this was allowed to happen in the first place?  Any system that allows this needs to be ritualistically burned.  It needs to be destroyed.  It needs to be fundamentally re-built in a way that recognizes the search for thrills among the rich and powerful is not more important than the very lives of children.  

We either start acting on what we say we value, or we allow ourselves to completely decay into the nothingness that we deserve for turning a blind eye to all this stuff in the first place.

SILENCE ENCOURAGES THE TORMENTOR

(*) As opposed to taking action, including contacting your elected representatives in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, to cite just one example.

In the Clearing Stands a Boxer...

 ...and a fighter by his trade

and he carries the reminders

of every glove that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame

"I am leaving, I am leaving" but he fighter still remains

(Paul Simon, The Boxer)

My brother Chris passed away 8 years ago this past January 5th, and to be honest, I was so wrapped up in work stuff that I really didn't take time to reflect on that difficult day in my life.  That one is on me, and stands as a reminder to keep the priorities of life in their rightful places.  I've written about Chris in prior postings over the years, so there will no doubt be some repetition coming, but so be it.

Whenever I hear the Simon and Garfunkel song "The Boxer" I think of Chris.  See above.  He actually was an amateur boxer, and I quoted the song in my eulogy of him back in 2017. 

Towards the end of his life, Chris was an enormous pain in my rear-end, as I was forever trying to solve one problem or another for him.  He was not well, mentally or physically, being a far cry from the boxer...and runner...he was in earlier years.  It was as if life kept putting more and more weight on him until finally, he simply gave out.  The irony isn't lost on me that this person who was genuinely strong for a good part of his life had a life ending in such personal and physical weakness.  

Some of the weight on him I honestly believe was made far worse when our mother passed away, although not in the way most may think.  In some respects, Chris always had something to prove to our mother, even though he never would have acknowledged that fact himself.  He did, by the way, more than prove whatever it* was, as for a good part of his life he worked hard, took care of himself, and adored his daughter Miranda.  He was successful by most definitions, starting with his honorable discharge from the United States Navy, through working as a postal carrier, graduation from college and eventual relocation back to Scranton.  In the end though, there's no purpose for the hunt if the hunter...or the prey...are no more.

Granted that there is more to this story than simply one of a reckoning between a child and parent that was never going to happen.  My brother had other quests in life that were never likely to result in anything fruitful.  On some level he knew this, and I think that some of his demons were simply a manifestation of this knowledge and his being powerless to really make a change.  That didn't stop a few folks close to him from really trying.

All the above noted, there was so much I admired about my brother.  He was naturally outgoing in a way that a thousand me in a thousand parallel universes could never, ever be.  He was a lover of cats who could also be very charming and extremely funny.  I will also note that he was one of the few folks I've ever met who could successfully thread the needle of being (a supposed) conservative Republican while also understanding the realities of something like racism.  What others in the family considered to be hypocrisy, I have come to appreciate as skill.  He was very well read, consuming biographies and poetry like some these days go through oh so many tweets.  

There was so much more that he could have done, and I often think about him, grieving for what he should have been.  I know that is a sort of fool's errand and likely selfish on my part, as who knows what could have been for any of us.  I also know though that in the quiet moments when the difficulties of present life aren't overwriting my brain, there is a kind of pain of not having him...in some better form...as being a part of my life.  In the end, there are so few in life that really understand us, so the loss of just one is a true tragedy.

Until we meet again brother.

(*) A relevant question is this:  What was "it" anyway?  I think we are all hard-wired to want our parents' approval on some level, to somehow have them, namely the people who in theory know us best, be proud of us.  In our case, that wasn't possible, at least not in a way that our mother could actually express.  This becomes a negative spiral that can consume you until you figure out how to simply stop the cycle.

2025, Do It Again

Standing in the middle of nowhere

Wondering how to begin

Lost between tomorrow and yesterday

Between now and then

And now we're back where we started

Here we go 'round again

Day after day, I get up and I say

I better do it again

(The Kinks, Do It Again)

This is probably one of my favorite songs of all time, and it's at times like this (a new year) that it seems to ping the most around inside of my head.  Great songs do that, by the way:  They stick inside your head and become evocative of all sorts of things.

Music aside, it is a new year, and there is much to be done.  The election...and my last posting...seem like a while ago, something born as much on the back of necessity than sloth.  The necessity part comes in the form of my 250-ish page book via Storyworth that should be arriving in a week or so.  As I noted in a prior posting or two, during 2024 I was answering a question a week posed mostly by my youngest daughter, with some also coming from Ms. Rivers.  I also added about 2500 or so words at the end as a kind of coda to the stories.  While I wrote the whole thing, I am still looking forward to re-reading parts in the weeks to come.

As a side note, what was the experience like?  Did I learn anything?  To answer the first question, yes, but I also enjoy writing.  I wouldn't say the experience is for everyone, and it does require some measure of discipline.  If given as a gift, well, let's just say one should be selective in the recipient.  Regarding the second question, I'll defer to Ms. Rivers, who received an email copy (along with my youngest daughter) of each entry as it was saved.  When asked about her overall impressions, she was surprised at just how not-so-great my childhood was.  In answering the weekly questions, I tried to be very honest, so I suspect that's as valid a review as one can get.  Time, and other readers, will tell. 

What is a fact is that writing answers to personal questions on a weekly deadline did suck up a good part of my discretionary writing time.  I'm hoping to re-direct that effort here for 2025.  Anyway, a few other things are worth mentioning in the world around me (and, for some, you as well).

The Presidential Election came and went.  In theory folks voted for cheaper groceries; in fact, what they will get is likely higher prices, courtesy of tariffs on imported goods and deported farm workers.  A good many Americans simply just love a good sales job, which is what happened in November.  My personal hope is that the incoming administration's lack of competence will reduce their overall impact.  On my end, I've pretty much made the decision that I'm really not going to follow national politics over the next few years.  The swirl of chaos and controversy simply for its own sake just isn't something I have time for anymore.

On the work front, on one hand I count my blessings to be employed and working with some folks who care about what they are doing.  So many former colleagues from Prudential have been (involuntarily) retired or laid off over the past year that it makes you wonder what's left of the company.  Very few organizations have shrunk themselves into success, which is an interesting kind of academic view to take.  What's not so academic?  The very personal lives that have been impacted negatively by the company's actions.  It's a very stark reminder that most organizations basically demand loyalty from their employees without having to offer it in return.  This makes the job-hopping of younger generations all the more reasonable.  Yes, sometimes the younger folks are smarter than the older folks. 

As a caveat to the above, the key word to note in that first sentence (of the prior paragraph) is "some", as in not all.  This is true in many places, I know, but for me it has forced a recognition that I need to continue to work on that most very basic of concepts...as in "it's just a job"...which is still, at nearing 61 years of age, difficult for me to personally master.  Having grown up in the corporate world of "give it all you've got", the transition to "in reality they don't always deserve the all you've got" part is challenging.  However, I am nothing if not a continuous work in progress on many fronts.   

I do think about actually being a retired person one of these years.  I am not sure when that could be, other than the earliest would be late Spring of 2026.  A lot depends on how this year at work goes.  

On the home front, Ms. Rivers and I are enjoying being at times empty nesters, with my youngest stepson away at college in Syracuse.  It's nice seeing him over breaks (such as now), but the "empty nest" parts aren't so terrible either.  I know Ms. Rivers enjoys our routine of very simple meals, for example.  The good, hard work of parenting marches on:  You love your children, but you are training them to be independent human adults that you will not see as much when they are fully adulting.  In my estimation, the good (of helping to raise independent human adults) outweighs the costs, and is ultimately part of a living legacy that parents leave the world.

Lastly, over the 16 or so years of this blog I've noted a fondness for New Years resolutions.  While I have been successful at some things, I am mostly terrible when it comes to results.  So this year I am not making any specific pronouncements. There are some things I want to get better at, such as maintaining a healthy mental health balance relative to work.  I also need to do better at staying in touch with folks.  Ms. Rivers attaches some importance to that second point, as she's worried that, in the event something should happen to her, I would become a kind of recluse.  That's a valid point.

The above noted, here's to 2025 and all that it brings.

Father's Day (two weeks early)

Point of reference:  I'm going to be traveling on the "real" Father's Day (June 16th), so I'm putting this out into the Internets a bit early.

In honor of Father's Day 2019, and especially for all of those father's out there who had no role model themselves (which includes me), I offer the following:  The Top 10 thing I wish I would have been taught to me by my father.  Listed in no particular order.

1. Screwdrivers.  There is no functional limit as to the number of screwdrivers (or, as my youngest daughter used to say when she was very small "who-di-bers") that a father should own.  Owning 24 is as good as owning 10.  30?  Even better.  The more, the better, because you never know when (or where) you may need a screwdriver.
2. How To Tie A Necktie.  A kid from the neighborhood taught me how to toe a necktie, just in time for parochial high school.  This is a must-have skill in life, be it for the occasional funeral or when the executives are showing up at work.
3. Save Extra Screws, Nuts, and Bolts.  Hardware such as screws, nuts, and bolts is strategically packaged to always have an extra piece or six.  Save those extra parts!  You never know when may need a half inch decking screw.  Plus, there is a certain satisfaction in knowing that, after you die, your next of kin will have to go through all your stuff and wonder "why the hell did he save all of this s#it?". 
4. Be A Good Man.  The world can be a cruel, unforgiving place at times, which makes it all the more important to not add to the insanity.  Be empathetic, considerate and compassionate.  All of those traits cost basically nothing, but yet can be priceless to someone having a bad day.  Be the person who folks say "is a good man".
5. Most Dogs Are Better Than Most People.  It's true.  What's more, anyone capable of abusing a dog (or other animals) is wholly capable of being equally cruel to other humans.  Don't allow people like that into your life.
6. Confidence vs. Humility.  Finding the right balance between confidence and humility is actually harder than college-level calculus.  Having worked on both, I say this with 100% certainty.  I tend to air on the side of humility, which isn't necessarily a good thing.
7. Tell Your Children That You Love Them.  Love is never implied.  Love is the most active of action verbs...it only really exists when it is being acted upon/shown.  Part of that action is in doing the daily things of a father well (fixing things, going on school trips, embarrassing your kids in front of potential/real boy/girlfriends).  Part of it is in simply telling your children that you love them, often.  Part of it is in when knowing when not to parent.
8. Work Hard.  Set a good example as a father by working hard at everything you do.  Be as passionate about cutting the grass as you are about your career.  Teach your children that there is dignity in all work and that no one should ever be above getting their hands dirty.
9. Don't Be Afraid (Of Yourself).  "An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind" is what John Mellencamp once noted in a song.  Having that ability to be comfortable with yourself, being able to face your better angels (and worse demons), not being afraid of your feelings is both difficult and necessary.  It's also an example of a "practice"...it's not something you ever master, rather it's something you always work at as a father.
10. Sing Loudly And Often.  I have a horrible singing voice.  It is wretched.  While I have some decent range (my voice is on the high side for a male, thanks to a lifetime of not smoking anything, ever...but I can get pretty low if needed), what noise that comes out of my mouth is more akin to howling wolves than an angelic choir.  This noted, I sing...often.  Part of this is because I always have a song in my head that just needs to get out.  Part of it is because, well, I just enjoy singing, talent be damned.  Fathers should all set a good example by making a joyful noise, regardless of talent.

I'll close this with a song (see #10) that I think is as good any written about being a Father.

Happy (early) Father's Day.

5 Questions To Ask Your Dad On Fathers Day

I found this interesting article on Fathers Day, the key point being:

* * * * * *

5 Questions To Ask Your Dad On Fathers Day

Father’s Day is the day to celebrate your dad, of course. But this year, it’s also your chance to make it something more. You can use this day to not only celebrate your dad but to also further your connection with him.

1. What was your favorite thing about your childhood?
2. What was something you did not like about your childhood?
3. What were you like when you were 21?
4. In hindsight, is there anything in life that you didn’t try, but wish you had?
5. What’s the greatest hope you have for your future?

* * * * * *

Since I got nearly heat-stroked twice over the past two days (mostly by doing stupid things outdoors), now is as good a time as any to take up this (indoor) challenge.

Q:  What was your favorite thing about your childhood?
A:  In hindsight, two things stand out:  1) The fact that the "Albert Boys" were basically a gang in and of ourselves.  I never really appreciated that all that much...or thought about it for that matter...until after my brother Chris passed away.  2) Riding my bike.  I loved riding my bike.  It was liberating and I could do it alone, which for me was a big deal.  While on my bike it felt as if the rest of the world didn't matter.

Q:  What was something you did not like about your childhood?
A:  I really and truly wish I would have had a father.  There was simply so much I missed in that regard, so many things I had to learn in my 20's & 30's that should have been a part of my upbringing.  There were no discussions in my childhood about what a man is supposed to do or be like; I had no template.  Maybe that's why being a Dad is so important to me.

Q:  What were you like when you were 21?
A:  The short answer is stupid.  But that describes many 21-year-olds.  I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my life; so many decisions back then I made out of fear...moving away from things instead of moving towards things.  In retrospect though, where I am now is a direct result of where I was then, so while the road may have been long and bumpy, the destination has been worth it.

Q:  In hindsight, is there anything in life that you didn't try, but wish you had?
A:  One of the life lessons I've learned...mostly since my mid-40's onward...is to not have regrets.  Those kinds of thoughts serve no purpose.  That noted, if anything, it would have been nice if I were a bit more adventurous when it comes to eating.  I'm sincerely trying to eat new things from time to time, even though, for the most part, it usually doesn't end well.

Q:  What's the greatest hope you have for your future?
A:   My greatest hope for my future is that I can stop running.  It feels like for most of my adult life I have been running.  Running to catch up to people who were being promoted before me at work.  Racing to be a better parent because I felt guilty for not doing or providing enough.  Running headlong to try and help others solve their problems while mostly ignoring my own.  It feels like, maybe, I can now slow down a bit.  It's time to now take in the scenery.  Learn new things.  Worry less.  Read more. 

 

Lessons in Thanks

I normally don't like the idea of eating in a restaurant on Thanksgiving.  Why?  Well, I guess part of it has to do with the fact that I don't want anyone having to work on Thanksgiving, especially when it comes to serving someone like me.  It just doesn't seem right, as everyone should be able to enjoy the holiday with their families.  This year though, as a result of some changed circumstances, I actually did eat Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant, and, well, it was a great experience.

Part of the story here goes back a few years to that period when I was going through a divorce.  One bit of well-intentioned advice I received was basically that I should require my daughters to have Thanksgiving dinner with me.  That one was tough.  That whole first holiday season was difficult, truth be told.  I always hated the drill of having to run between houses on holidays, and the last thing I wanted to do was to subject my own children to that sort of thing.  A lesson of sorts was learned from that Thanksgiving, namely that giving thanks can't be forced.  Since then, I've tried to balance holidays like Thanksgiving such that I can see my daughters, with minimal stress to them, without stressing myself.  These days, my daughters spend Thanksgiving with their mother and family, and I typically see them in the evening or on the next day.  That's the plan this year, by the way.

Moving forward, I've tried to create new traditions.  Well, that's incorrect, as I've basically come to join my wife's family traditions, which usually means eating Thanksgiving dinner in Philadelphia.  This year was a bit different though, as most of her immediate family was traveling over the holiday.  What we ended up doing was finding a restaurant in southcentral Pennsylvania, where we joined my wife's remaining state-side sibling (plus husband and one daughter), and the aunt of my two stepsons.

(THIS place)

It turned out to be a great decision, for the official record.  It was a nice day for a drive to Annville.  The food was great.  Our server was terrific, and we left her a very generous tip.  It was also nice not having to clean anything up.  Yes, in a perfect world it would always be nice to have Thanksgiving dinner at home, but I don't feel bad about our choice this year.

The larger lesson here harkens back to what I noted previously, namely some sense of absolutes ("you must insist that your daughters...", "you should never..."), no matter how well-intentioned, aren't necessarily helpful.  In fact, the world...and our collective mental health...can do with fewer absolutes.  Save those for the things for when they are an absolute necessity.  For everything else, well, it's always good to keep an open, less rigid mind about things.

Lastly, this is still (with about an hour to go as I type this) Thanksgiving, so it's wholly appropriate that I note how very much I have to be thankful for in this life.  Compared to most, I have been incredibly blessed, many times over.  These blessings are so abundant that, in fact, they are far too easy to take for granted.  I need to work on keeping that perspective, and like most important things in life, that will continue to be more of a journey than a destination.

* * * * * *

A special note of thanks:  More people actually read these postings that I want to admit to, and for that, well, I am very grateful.  It's nice to know that I sometimes write things that others find worth reading.  It's an even better thought that sometimes I may write something that gives another pause, that may leave someone saying "wow, I feel that way too" or momentarily takes someone out of their day.  While I'd still write this stuff if no one actually read it, I'm very thankful that some actually do.     

Ingredients of Being a Functional Dad

I've approached being a Dad much in the same way that I approach cooking:  I do my best, I experiment a lot, and I basically hope for the best.  In the case of both cooking and being a Dad, that last part basically amounts to whether or not someone gets killed in the process.

Now I've never received anywhere near any formal training in how to be a Dad (or cooking).  I simply had no one close to me growing up to provide an example, but as I've probably noted on this blog every year since 2008, I did have a good example of what not to do.  That can be pretty powerful.  

Also, note my use of the word "functional".  I don't want to say "great" or even "good", as those are subjective terms.  I've made many mistakes in the Dad department.  What's more, I do think that sometimes being a "good" or "great" Dad may make you pretty darn unpopular in the process, at least over the short-term (a span of time that I think is measured in years by the way).

Anyway, here are ingredients that I think make for being a functional Dad.

1. Be Present.  Just showing up is most of the battle.  Showing up at school.  At basketball games.  At plays.  There is no substitute for actually being there.
2. Have a Moral Compass (and follow it).  Morality is a tough concept these days, but I do think it's essential to actually have some sense of a moral compass to pass along to your children.  The key here is that you have to "walk the talk"; simply spouting off values is meaningless unless you actually live them.
3. Be Kind.  Teach your children to be kind to others, as far too many parents don't. 
4. Teach Respect.  This starts with respecting your wife/partner, even when that may be difficult, and even when your wife/partner may not respect you.
5. Take Responsibility.  Don't pass the buck.  If you make a mistake, own up to it.  Humility is best taught by example.
6. Model Intellectual Curiosity and the Value of Life-Long Learning.  Buy and read books.  Go the library.  Watch and talk about the news with your children.  Teach them that learning just doesn't happen from September to June.
7. Have a Sense of Humor.  I think that laughing makes you far more human and situations far easier to handle.
8. Teach the Value of Money.  It's tough in a society that pushes so much consumption on young people but teach your children to make good spending decisions.  
9. Always Take the Long View.  Sacrificing important long-term life lessons for short-term calm is a brutal mistake.  I use the word "brutal" because that's what life can be sometimes, and parents (especially Dads) need to help their children learn important survival skills.
10. Call Bull$hit to Teach Critical Thinking Skills.  What I mean is to tell your children when something (in the world, in the news, in their lives) simply doesn't pass the smell test.  For me, part of that was in traditional gender roles.  Yes, since I have three daughters, I understood that there are "girl" things, but I also wanted them to cast a critical eye on things that some might consider being "boy" things.  I wanted my daughters to be able to change a flat tire, for example.  Conversely, I think all boys should be able to cook, sew a button or two and wash/iron clothes.
11. Value the Arts.  Encourage your children to be creative, in any way(s) that make them happy.  I think that every child should, for example, be given the opportunity to learn to play a musical instrument.  If you're like me, that interest might not last so long, but it's the opportunity that matters most. 
12. Independence.  Lastly, and maybe most importantly, teach your children that you as a parent have an end-game for them, namely independence.  An important goal of parenting should be to make you, as a parent, no longer needed.  

As a Dad, I can now look back on three daughters who are all out of college (well one is working on an advanced degree) and working.  How great is that?  There are things that, if I had a functional time machine, I would go back in time and do differently, but time machines don't exist and I firmly believe that ruminating on past mistakes is nothing short of an enormous waste of time anyway.  Regardless, a "belated due to graduate research paper" Happy Father's Day to one and all.

Eye of a Hurricane

"Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn"

 - REM, It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I feel fine)

One of the things I get accused of (Or is that applauded for?  I forget, as both have about the same impact, at least in my head...) is that I am remarkably and consistently calm in the face of adversity.  In fact, barring only two examples in my whole life that I can think of...examples so personal and they aren't getting space here, ever...it's actually a fairly accurate sentiment.  And one for which I am reasonably proud, to boot. 

I'll also note that this is a trait I tend to share with my older brother.  I have a younger brother who is just the opposite, but that's a different blog posting for a different day.  Actually that's already made it to a blog posting, so scratch that thought.

So the question is this:  Where does it all come from?  How come when the Huns are literally charging at figurative gate I am calmly figuring out how to figuratively shore up the front line in the most organized fashion possible?

Upon not too much reflection*, the answer is pretty darn simple:  Growing up I had to be.  Far from this noble character trait, it was survival tactic.  It was how I was able to navigate a childhood where my only parent could, at pretty much no notice, explode into rage.  Now I do give credit to my mother for never striking her children and for dealing with circumstances that most people these days couldn't, namely raising four boys on her own.  As the urban types say, "respect".  It's no surprise then that there was something of a give-back in all of that though, namely her inability to express emotions beyond a spectrum of "mildly annoyed" to "yelling rage monster".  There wasn't much else on the other side of the spectrum.

What did I learn from all of this?  Well I'm pretty sure that I learned that anger isn't a great thing.  This, by the way, actually is a great thing; misplaced anger is a useless trait.  Just Google "Trump" for an example.  Again, growing up, there wasn't a ton of support for things over and above mere compliance, so expressing emotions was kinda-sorta frowned upon.  All told, this has served me well in life.  Oh, and I am capable of anger, but I note with some pride that I can count on one hand the number of times I have been so angry at someone as to "tell them off"...or whatever the heck the appropriate terminology would be.  I'll note that the pride part I referenced isn't "pride at telling people off"; rather, it's "pride at only having done it about twice".

Another trait I learned growing up is the art of problem solving.  The problems were simple growing up, but the tools and tactics never the less were universally applicable.  The key tool is persistency.

Ah, persistency, my good friend.  Persistency and anger don't go well together.  Anger is like the rapid acceleration of a rocket as it blasts off, going high and fast, but burning off a ton of fuel in the effort.  Most people simply can't maintain a high degree of anger for extended periods of time.  Me?  Hardly ever.  Anyone that can maintain sustained anger for weeks, months and years probably has bigger issues to deal with in their life.  That's not to say that I forget charged emotions, but rather over time I learn to go beyond there mere fact of being angry.  On the flip side, persistency requires a steady, measured burn of mental and emotional fuel.  It also requires thinking for the longer term, something that anger...with it's desire to blow up bridges right and left...isn't particularly good at.

There is nothing in the above that I would change, by the way.  Well I caveat that a bit in the sense that it would have been nice to have had a bit more joy growing up, but in the grand card game that is life, the cards I was dealt weren't all that bad.  

(*) I'll note that I've written about this before, or at least I think I have.  Once you get over 1,000 postings there is automatic forgiveness for duplicity.  Who says so?  I do.

Road Apples, #162

Summer...is flying by.  Maybe that's because I've managed to do a lot.  Getting married.  Some significant house renovation work.  More house renovation work planned.  Oh, and graduate school starting again soon.  Plus my "day job".  I keep telling myself that "one of these summers I am going to take it easy"; yeah, maybe that will be next summer.

Speaking of home projects...we are having a 15.6x14 deck added to the back of our house; basically expanding a small covered porch that already exists.  Having learned my lesson from previous endeavors, this deck is using all composite decking and vinyl railings, which should make it last longer and cut down on maintenance.  We're also having overhead cabinets installed in one of our two full bathrooms and the half bathroom.  In buying the home, our plan from the beginning as been to make changes that would make it more livable for us plus adding to the resale value of the home, as this will not be our "forever" abode.  Come about age 65 for me (and slightly later for Ms Rivers) it will be time for retirement, and I'm working on convincing my wife that retirement somewhere that is about 5 degrees warmer in the winter would be a "good thing".

One other home project in the works...is to have a more modern heating system installed.  Currently the house has electric heat plus a coal/wood stove.  The combination is fine heating wise, but the electric gets mighty pricey (with no sign that electricity rates are going down) and the coal stove...while both quaint and warm...is just a ton of work.  The working solution to actually have two separate heating/cooling units installed...one the for second floor (based in the attic) and one for the first floor (based in the basement).  We're still getting pricing on the work, but I'm thinking the estimate will come in somewhere between "My God" and "Damn, that equivalent to the GNP of Ghana".  On the plus side, I'd rather spend money now in one chunk than slowly get bled to death every month of the winter.  More to come.

Home & Life Philosophy...The above points to a certain philosophy that both Ms Rivers and I share about life (and home ownership), namely to...

...keep things simple
...don't over over-buy
...don't be afraid to make prudent investments
...always seek out professionals for help.

Peter Cetera...We attended the Peter Cetera concert at Bethel Woods, NY, on Sunday evening.  The venue itself is wonderful.  The staff is incredibly friendly, the grounds are impeccably clean (one of the cleanest men's rooms I've ever been in) and it's relatively easy to get to from Northeastern Pennsylvania.  Highly recommended.

As for the concert itself, well at about age 71 Peter Cetera has a great voice, and throughout a nearly two hour set (backed by a full orchestra) I knew all but about two songs, including a few from his Chicago days.  We should all age so gracefully.  

Other Trips (of the not so nice kind)...We recently visited Camelbeach on a Saturday and had what I'd describe as a horrible overall experience.  They overbook on the weekends, that's for sure.  Most of the attractions had 30+ minute waits, which means that for an average stay at the park you're spending something like 80% of your time standing around.  And this is on top of the crappy & dramatically over-priced food.  I can't see going there again on a Saturday.  Ever.

End (of an era)...Last week I did something for the last time, namely pay a college tuition bill for one of my daughters.  This last one was a whopper, but it's been worth it.  How long have I been up to this?  Well my oldest daughter started college in the Fall of 2006, so we're talking about 9 years of the annual ritual of coming up with thousands of dollars.  Again, it's been worth it, but I'm also glad that this era is coming to a close.  It's been a great investment:  One daughter is teaching at a prestigious NYC charter school, one is in a doctorate program at UMass, and the last is finishing her degree in social work.  Proud parent?  You bet!

Bloggery...I did one of my not-frequent-enough blogroll clean-up efforts last week.  It's both a happy and a sad exercise really.  Happy in the sense that I added a new blog (one written by my oldest daughter no less!) and that I noted Gort (the best local political blogger, bar none) is writing again.  Sad in the sense that I really wish some of the other local folks would write more frequently.  There is a ton of writing talent in this neck of the woods.  I did delete a few blogs too; mainly stuff that hadn't been updated in several eons and two blogs where the content was so hidden in advertisements & sloppy design that I just got tired of opening up pages and then having to hunt for the actual text.  Call me crazy, but if you write a blog and have an intriguing posting title, it's more than just a bit annoying when actually finding the content takes more than about 8 seconds.  Yes, that's how much time I devote to such stuff.  

"How's Married Life"...is a question I get from time to time at work.  The answer?  For the record:  Wonderful.  It just feels right.  

Father's Day, 2015

Ten thoughts on what I think makes a good father.

* * * * * * * *

A good father is someone who knows that the job of a parent is to teach their children how to be functional, independent adults.  Sometimes that means giving them things.  Other times that means not giving them things.

A good father is someone who teaches and demonstrates the value of life-long learning.  It doesn't matter what his children are learning, by the way, just as long as they keep learning something.

A good father is someone who who is both humble and confident.

A good father is someone who works hard and therefore demonstrates the value and nobility that can be found in hard work.

A good father is someone who laughs with his children.

A good father is someone who teaches his children the value of questioning, everything.  What is true in this world will withstand questioning; what is not won't.

A good father is someone who listens to music, and encourages his children to listen to music.

A good father is someone who is not perfect, but in that imperfection teaches his children that no one is, in fact, perfect.  And that's okay.

A good father is someone who demonstrates to his children that life is full of wonder and opportunities.

A good father is someone who knows when and how to be there for this children.  Sometimes it's not a good idea to prevent the fall, but it's always a good idea to be there to help pick up the pieces.

We're angry, we're pissed off and we're going to continue to take it

My Facebook compatriot Mike Sporer brought a story my attention and suggested that it would make a good blog posting.  Now normally I don't take requests, as this whole blog deal has to really be stuff that I find interesting (which is why I've managed to keep at it since last 2008), but this was just too good an opportunity to pass off.  Anyway, here's the graphic:

Yes, it appears that our metropolitan area is among the least happy in the United States.  I don't think that Mike was surprised by this, and I certainly wasn't.  If anything, I am surprised that Erie, PA scored worse.

Anyway, the big question is this:  Why?  Why are we so unhappy?  Well I've probably mentioned a while host of things in this blog before, but this is as good an idea as any to maybe do a consolidation of misery, if you will.


Why the residents of Northeaster Pennsylvania are so Unhappy

• We are physically unhealthy.  According to many, many different sources, there is a direct link between physical well-being and mental health/attitude.  Here's just one.  It also creates a higher propensity for higher rates of disease.  Here's a graphic showing breast cancer rates by Pennsylvania county.  
                                                              The source of the graphic is http://www.rural.palegislature.us .  It's not a pleasant picture to see.  We are also a literal hotbed for heart disease; here's what the CDC tells us about heart disease rates, historically, by US county.  
                                                                 See that dark red patch where Lackawanna and Luzerne counties are located?  Kinda sticks out, just a bit.  We also smoke more than others, and we are likely exposed to more industrial pollution, courtesy of mining past, than others.  All in all, it's a heck of a recipe for disaster.
• Corruption, corruption, corruption and more corruption.  Here are just a few names:  Dan Flood, Joe McDade, several county commissioners from both Lackawanna and Luzerne counties, two "kids for cash" judges...and the list goes on.  Want to see how this all plays out?  Well check out this excerpt from the end of the book The Quiet Don that says a lot (page 290):  "Like Bufalino before him, Louis DeNaples relied on the support of a bevy of friendly, local and state federal elected officials in his bid for a slots license.  Time and time again, people outside of Pennsylvania shook their heads in disbelief, each time questioning some new disturbing revelation asking how or why something like that could happen.  How could the courts look the other way?  Where is law enforcement?"
• Graft is institutionalized.  We have a sitting school board president in Scranton who can actually vote for his own family income to increase, as his wife is a teacher (in the Scranton School District).  This is the same director who presided over a national search for new school superintendent where the final candidate just happened to be a relative.  Yes, only in Scranton political logic does a national search yield a relative for a position.  So why is it so institutionalized?  Well I have a theory:  We tolerate it because we think, at some level, that if we look the way for someone else, they in turn will look the other way for us.  Put another way, we have this pattern of tolerating bad behavior because we secretly hope to benefit from it ourselves.
• We rely too much on the government for things like employment.  The largest employer in the area is the government.  This means, in part, that it's not knowledge, education and ambition that is perceived as being the keys to success in NEPA; no, rather it's finding some public sector job, usually via some kind of connection, that is high on security but low on expectations.  Don't believe me?  Well go to a post office one of these days and ask an employee behind the counter a difficult question.  Or ask my older brother, who is trying to get my younger, disabled brother some government services, only to be told that the initial application we filed is, and I quote, "not in the system" (translation:  "I don't give a s#it").
• We likely over-pay for inefficient and ineffective government services.  Here's an interesting graphic that shows who pays the most by way of Pennsylvania's personal income tax.
                                                              The graphic is from the Commonwealth Foundation. It's probably not a secret that government is our neck of the woods is particularly ineffective, yet we tend to be among those paying the most for it.  Overlay oppressively high wage taxation in Scranton and it begins to create an interesting picture (of despair).

Perhaps the real reason?  I could go on with some of the more factual stuff, but the point is made.  There is, however, one other point I want to make though:  Mostly, I suspect that we are miserable because we make the choice to be miserable.  More like "choices" actually.  Many of us were raised by miserable parents, so learning about finding the simple joys in life were taught about as often as Mongolian language courses were/are in our high schools. I know that's true for me, and I suspect that's true for others as well.  In fact, much of what I've noted above is a direct result of our choices to be miserable.  For example, we are miserable, which breeds cynicism, which basically opens the door for all manner of political corruption.  It's all a horribly vicious cycle, that, I hope, one day will break.  The good news though is that there is hope:  I can, for example, point to the good work being done by Friends of Lackwanna as being indicative of a change in the business as usual mode of things getting done in NEPA.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the late Warren Zevon.

Christmas Memory #1 - Children

As difficult as being a parent can be, there is simply nothing that can compare to the feeling you get when you are around children at Christmas time.

Now for the children there is the wonder at receiving gifts, but as I've grown older, I've come to realize that the real wonder is in giving from the heart.  It's not as much about getting that next new game/toy/gizmo/etc., sorry marketing executives, but rather it's about giving of yourself.  If there could be only one lesson that Christmas teaches us, it's that the truly greatest gifts sometimes cost the least.

In the future she can say "My Old School"

**Monday Morning, August 18th****

I love this song by Steely Dan...

...with apologies for the quality, but it's the best sounding of the clips I can find for this song that also includes a "vintage" performance by the band.

"...when you put me on the Wolverine up to Annandale".  

In the song, "Annandale" probably refers to the town of Annandale on Hudson, home to Bard College, where I believe that the founders of Steely Dan, Donald Fagan and Walter Becker first met.

Whenever I think of college I think of this song for some reason.

I'm thinking of college a lot these days for several reasons, none the least of which is the fact that my middle daughter is heading up to Amherst to begin her graduate studies in Biology.   Smart young lady to say the least, but then again her two sisters are bright bulbs as well.  I take no credit for that by the way; at best I'll probably say that I didn't harm matters all that much.

One of the things I will, by the way, take credit for is the fact that I am helping to move much of my daughter's stuff (well her stuff and the stuff of her roommate) to Amherst.  500 miles in a 12 foot Penske rental truck.  Oh, and I have crappy to-non-existent depth perception.  Score!  Luckily I have a co-pilot in the guise of my youngest daughter.  Such thing are important, if for no reason than to keep me from going crazy at the level of concentration required to keep the truckster on the straight and narrow over I84.  By the way, I did purchase the optional insurance for  the truck, you know, just in case.  

In another thought, you have to give credit for folks, our children included, who are willing to take big chances.  Be it a big change at work, moving away to college or an entirely new job, we have to acknowledge that it takes guts to try new stuff.  We "older folks" sometimes fall into patterns where we stop doing big things, which is a shame.  I know that for myself at least, it takes effort to do the big stuff.  It's as if the emotional gravity that wants to keep me grounded gets significantly stronger the older I get.  I suspect that's true for others as well.  And so I ramble.

Anyway, the Amherst bound truck sets sail shortly.

**Tuesday Evening, August 18th****

It was pure, unadulterated Hell.  Hell I tell you!  One of the worst experiences that I've had in years.  I refer, of course, to driving a 12' rental truck for over 10 hours yesterday at highway speeds.  The kind of thing that Dad's do for their daughters.  Pretty much only for their daughters.

I almost crushed a poor Chevy Spark.  Got blindspots?

The tire low pressure warning light went off 45 miles into the trip, giving me visions of a burst tire and careening off an I84 embankment.  Luckily it was a bad sensor.

This truck had light steering.  Very light.  Light as in the slightest correction sent it plowing into whatever direction it was pointed to at the very moment.

I was able to average about 60 miles an hour on good roads.  This meant that I did about 50 in Pennsylvania.

My knees were literally locked into place after pulling into the truck rental place last night.  My left foot was numb.

I set a "World's Steve Record" not not taking bathroom breaks on the trip back:  just one stop between Amherst and Pittston.  I was so busy concentrating on not getting killed driving the truck that apparently my urination system simply stopped working.  I think my left leg ended up filling with urine, like some kind of weird inverse catheter bag.

All told, it was a long day.

10 Random Things You Realize When You Get Older

In no particular order and for no particular reason (well other than vacation contemplation).

10.

The things that seemed to physically hurt you as a kid just really don't seem to hurt nearly as much any more. Shot in the arm? No big deal. Blood work? Ditto. Dental fillings? Bring'm on.

9.

Things that never physically hurt before hurt now. My left foot for example. Arthritis. My foot sometimes feels like there is sand in some of the joints. Now I have to take horse pills to “lubricate” my joints. It's a pain in my...well...foot.

8.

You realize that your parents actually were right about some things.

7.

You begin to listen to music that your parents liked and discover that it's not all that bad. Especially given the state of popular music today.

6.

You have to take medication to get your body to do things your body used to do all the time as a kid. Easily.

5.

You look forward to quiet evenings instead of dreading them.

4.

You actually take pride in the organized nature of your clothes drawers.

3.

You move beyond the want or desire to care about the drama around you. For me, I've just learned to smile through it all.

2.

You see just how simpler life was when you were a kid and realize just how you were lucky to be born in a previous era. Case in point: Had the Internet existed in 1976 I probably would never have left the house.

1.

You start to see some of the little details in the world around you that, in years past, you would have just sped by.

On the Beach, Day 2

On Monday I mentioned that the last time I was in Ocean City, Maryland, my now 26 year old daughter was much younger (around 8 years old I think).  This got me to thinking as I was walking down the boardwalk yesterday, and of course those thoughts turned into a blog posting.  Anyway, here are the ten things I observed when thinking about OCMD 20 years ago and now, on the beach (listed in no particular order):

1. Tattoos - Virtually everyone has them.  Well except me.  Even folks who have really dark skin, where you can't even see the tattoos have tattoos.  For the record I don't have anything against tattoos, other than it's just really not for me.
2. Obnoxious White Teenagers - Those obnoxious white teenagers from years back have been replaced by obnoxious teenagers who are from some nebulous foreign country probably in the middle east.
3. Crappy Music - Inside some of the stores you will still find crappy music playing; mind you I forget what the crappy music was 20 years ago, but now it's apparently some form of techno (I think).
4. It's Clean and Safe - Kudos to the folks that run this down, as the tourist areas are fairly clean and there is a large police presence.  It feels like a family friendly place.
5. Thot - I saw numerous tee shirts that proclaimed "She is a Thot".  Then I looked up "Thot" in the all important (for parents) Urban Dictionary and was left wondering "why would anyone want a tee shirt like that?".
6. Marilyn Monroe - She has been dead for a very long time, but she has made a comeback on tee shirts everywhere.  I hope her estate is getting a cut of the action.  For the record, Marilyn Monroe in 2014 is far skinnier than the real Marilyn Monroe; that's a sad piece of commentary on our society.
7. Young Children - When your children are young and you take them to the beach, it can be a pain in the butt.  For the record, I wish I could have that pain in the butt all over again.
8. Skin Cancer - Most folks around here seemingly treat skin cancer like some kind of urban legend, like alligators in the sewers, or something similar.  Me?  Hell, I'd wear a head to toe shroud if I could get away with it.
9. Boardwalk Pizza - Boardwalk pizza is still more or less pretty vile stuff.
10. Boardwalks + Bikes - It is still joyous to ride a bike down a boardwalk in the morning.  

On the Beach, Day 1

I haven't been on a real beach vacation for a long time.  If one is talking about that mega-popular NEPA beach destination of Ocean City, MD, well then it has been basically forever.  In fact, the last time I was here, I looked like this...

...and for the record, that little girl seated behind me is now 26 years old.

Anyway, I love the beach.  Actually and more appropriately, I love the ocean.  As for some of what goes with the ocean, namely the carny boardwalk stuff, well, I can take that or leave it.  

With the above in mind, the next few days are being spent at the beach with Ms Rivers.  We've been going on vacations together now for a few years, and this year Ocean City Maryland is our "short vacation"; the "long vacation" comes at the end of July when we are going to Maine for a week, staying again at Southwest Harbor.  The mere fact that these vacations even happen is a true blessing, and the tiredness of a long day aside for a moment, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

The plan for the week is to do the typical beach-y stuff, including bike riding on the boardwalk (which we did this morning).  Granted, this time around (as opposed to last, see above) I have less hair, but it was still every bit as fun.  Today also included some go-cart fun, which I have to say nearly loosened my dental implant.  Besides, there are few things more humiliating than being passed on a go-cart course by a 12 year old, repeatedly.

Also planned for the week is some light reading on my part.  By light reading I mean the following...

(photo from Amazon.com)

...which is basically a complete history of the Papacy from St. Peter onward.  Fascinating stuff, although last week while in the gym and talking to my friend John, after explaining what I do for "fun" (i.e., read stuff like this) I did get something of a strange look.  Oh well; as the young folks say, "this is how I roll".

All told, this is a good week to be on vacation.  While I am aware of what's going on around me, SCOTUS decisions well noted, I'm not overly motivated to comment one way or another.  There are also a few things going on at work which, had I been in the office today, I am sure would have caused at least some angst.  As noted above, it is a good week to disconnect.

Advice to New Fathers

Since it's Father's Day, I thought I'd share a few thoughts about what it means to be a father.  Listed in no particular order.

1.  Don't Start Too Early
You have to be smart and patient to be a good father, two traits that don't normally come to men in their 20's.

2.  Don't Start Too Late
It takes TON of energy to be a good father.  At 50 I could never be the parent of young children.  So when is the best time to become a father?  I'd say early 30's sounds about right.

3.  There Is No Manual
There is no comprehensive manual on how to be a good father.  At best, I offer the following:  look at how you were raised by your dad (or, in my case, not raised by your dad) and emulate the good things while making up for the bad.  For me, this means trying very hard to do two things for my daughters:  First and foremost, be present in their lives and second, tell them that you love them, often.

4.  There Is No Glory
Yes, today is Father's Day, but by and large it's a fairly soft holiday.  That's okay though, because being a good father means that you are really rewarded 365 days a year.

5.  Be Prepared To Take It On The Chin
Be prepared to take a verbal beating every once in a while if you are a good father.  Why?  See above:  it comes with being present in the lives of your children.  You will be taken for granted.  You will be ignored from time to time.  It all comes with the stripes, and it is all a very small price to pay for helping to shape the lives of your children.

6.  Be Honest
Being a good father means that you are honest with your children, even when others are not.  Always remember that the world is a pretty unforgiving place, so it's your job to help your children prepare for the adult world in a loving and safe way.  Don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong, but only when you are actually wrong; feigning error for the sake of temporary peace is both pathetic and counter-productive.

7.  Forgive, Often
Your children will disappoint you, just as you disappointed your parent(s).  Again, it's a price of admission.  Forgiveness is both powerful and free.  When you feel disappointed, simply let that feeling go.

8.  Work Hard
Show your children that there is value and nobility in hard work, both personally and professionally.  What they see you do they will view as important, even when they say the opposite.

9.  Learn All The Time
Set an example for your children by being a life-long learner.  Have many books around.  Be interested in current events.  Show your children that learning is an important part of everyday life.

10.  Teach Your Children To Take The Long View
The world teaches your children that happiness comes from "things" or from looking a certain way or acting a certain way.  The world teaches your children that everything has to happen "now".  Be a counterweight to the world for your children.  Teach them that real happiness doesn't come from the outside, but rather from the inside.  Teach your children the value of patience and being persistent.  Teach them that being comfortable in one's own skin is a far better goal than trying to please anyone else.

From an Introvert's Perspective: WebMD's Health News, Divorced Men

You can read the actual article HERE.

By way of preface, my employer provides WedMD health updates (and an actual WebMD account) to employees.  Most of the time it provides some pretty useful information.  In fact, even this time it provides some useful information, but after reading this particular piece over lunch I just had to provide some commentary.

Also, I'm going to go into quasi-uncharted territory here, by way of even talking about divorce.  As a general rule this isn't something I, as a divorced parent, necessarily like or want to talk about, but I'm going to move just a tad bit out of my own comfort zone for this particular exercise.  Besides, the primary focus here isn't my thoughts about divorce, but rather this particular set of advice from the lens of a divorced man who is also a strong introvert.

Onward.

The points I'm listing below correspond to those in the WebMD article.

Point 1 - "Dating Too Soon"
This is one where I am somewhat conflicted.  Yes, I see the underlying wisdom, but think about it for a moment:  so what is a divorced man supposed to do?  I guess the advice here is to be in a series of "non-committed" relationships.  Maybe this means "sleep around" or something...I really don't know.  Again, I get it, and I've read all about how "vulnerable" someone can be when they are on the "rebound", but for some of us introverts, having multiple casual relationships just isn't all that easy or desirable.  I personally don't have that many different levels of relationships...if I like you I want to get to know you well; if I don't like you well then we will not be spending any time together.  It's this notion of "casual relationships" that I have the biggest problem processing through my introverted lens.

So yes, by all means be guarded, but simply waiting two years before even considering a more serious relationship sounds, well, silly to me.  How about this instead:  if it feels rushed, it is.  If it feels right, then take it slow and try to remember all the reasons why you got divorced in the first place (a.k.a. going from one mistake to another is simply pretty damn stupid).

Point 2 - Isolating Yourself
I agree wholeheartedly with the point being made, that is up until the following comment...

"Buser's advice: Connect with other guys. Call up old friends, join a softball team, a club, or a professional association."

Drinking oneself into a bitter stupor is bad.  I get it.  However, thinking that I am all of a sudden going to become "Mr Social" and start joining all these group activities isn't all that realistic for someone who actually doesn't like social activities all that much. I've heard this advice before (from my own Therapist), and it almost always comes from extroverts who think nothing of "joining".  That's never worked for me.  Throwing me into social situations makes me more stressed, not less.  I need alternatives that make me comfortable, not force me to pretend to be something I am not.  Those commercials for "the stir" at Match.com clearly aren't made with introverts in mind.

Side note:  how about "Christian Mingle.com", where they find you "God's match"?  Call me crazy but I'm thinking that an all-powerful Creator of the Universe probably doesn't need you to pay money to a for-profit company in order to find "His match".  And so I digress...

Point 3 - Introducing Your New Partner to Your Kids Too Soon
I get this one, and by and large it makes sense.  It's also, however, personality neutral.  People in relationships that involve kids should always keep the interests of the kids in the forefront.

Point 4 -Giving In To Hostility
I agree 1000%.  My home county requires that divorcing parents attend a class run by a Therapist, the intent of which is to provide them with tips on how to best navigate the process and the resulting feelings in ways that are not harmful.  I found it (the class) to be extremely helpful when I attended.  Well worth my time, and the Therapist made some of the same points noted in the WebMD article.  Even if your ex-spouse is not cooperative, learning how to respond without hostility pays real dividends.

Point 5 - Backing Off From Parenting
Done right, I am convinced that divorce can help make you a better parent.  I know this sounds almost pathetic, but I think it is especially true for introverts.  Why?  Well it gives us an opportunity to introspectively think about what kind of parent we actually want to be when faced with the changes that divorce force upon us.   It is a kind of second chance at parenting, and generally speaking it's foolish to not take advantage of the second chances that life give us.

The Traveling Introvert

It's said that introverts get their energy from within, so logically it might make sense that external surroundings don't matter all that much.  Note the word "logically".  As someone who does travel from time to time, and seeing as though I am in Boston this week on company business, it makes some sense to explore this thought in greater detail.

Credit to http://deptoflindsey.com/2012/04/10/an-introverted-retort/   for the above graphic.

A few basic parameters need to be set.

First,  business travel is NOT glamorous, fun, exciting, a vacation, full of drunken debauchery, cool, etc.  If you think it is, then you obviously don't travel on business very often.  It is the equivalent of being at work 24/7.

Second, introversion does not equal shyness.  If you think it does, then you are a moron.   Sorry.

Got that?

The above noted, I find that being a traveling introvert is particularly difficult some times.  Here are a few reasons why.

External Stimuli - There is a ton of external stimuli to process.  While I like a change of scenery every once in a while, being in a new town means that I have to re-orient myself to my surroundings.  That takes time away from other things. It also means that I need to have my guard up even more than usual.  So much energy is expended on stuff like this.

Being "on" - When I travel,it is, sadly, not with the primary purpose of sitting all by myself somewhere working.  Nope.  Rather, I always end up having to extrovert to some extent.  It might be because I am teaching a class, running a meeting (or series of meetings), participating in meetings, or attending a class.  I have to interact with people I don't know.  I am forced to engage in that which I hate the most:  small talk.  Regardless, it always requires me to act extroverted for extended periods of time.  Another thing that sucks the life force out of me.

Many Choices - Traveling requires almost constant choices.  Where do I turn?  What do I eat?  How will I manage my time back at the hotel?  Making choices isn't an introverted trait, I know, but for me all these choices require thought and analysis.  They require me to sometimes make spot decisions.  My preference is to be able to think about what I want to do; while I can make spot choices, I'd prefer to have a routine in place whereby the choices can be made ahead of time.  Travel = no routine.  No routine = more stressful.

Away from people I care about - I don't have a ton of close friends.  Guess what?  This is okay.  I'm not coming to Boston, for example, to make new friends...I have come here to work and learn new "stuff".  While I am okay not necessarily making new friends, that doesn't mean that I treasure being absolutely alone in a hotel room either.  In fact, it is rather disconcerting at times.  I miss the regular routine that I enjoy with Ms Rivers.  Sometimes being away get's egregiously bad, such as last night when my youngest daughter had to go to the ER for some pain she was experiencing.  Yes, she ended up okay, but it was downright painful for me to be here, 300 miles away from her, feeling helpless.  Now I'm not claiming that introverts love their children more than extroverts, but I am going to claim that when the circle of people in your life is smaller, those that are in the circle tend to mean a lot to you. 

Bottom line?  Yes, I am blessed in that I have a job whereby I get to travel, but business traveling isn't all sunshine, smiles and rainbows.