Not Cease from Exploration

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Thought Worm (follow-up)

Well the thought worm is gone, but I do find myself thinking about why it appeared in the first place.  I also sit here in amazement that I have the kind of life whereby I can actually move beyond these kinds of things.

To the former, I think I have it figured out:  I was simply mentally exhausted after a few days worth of extroversion and, being a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, the effort required to be so "on" simply took a toll.  The result was that something which really doesn't deserve "front of mind time" actually got that kind of time.    Yes, there are some weights that we carry for a long time (to borrow a line from an Abbey Road song), but that doesn't mean we have to focus on that weight.  Hell, we all carry some emotional weight with us, and who is to say that mine is any heavier than that of anyone else?  Thoughts of anger, questions of "why?", trying to understand why you allowed yourself to get so exposed, all of these things take effort but yet produce nothing in the final result.

Sometimes it helps to just say to yourself "get the f&$k out of my head".

Yes, the above is a perfectly valid strategy for dealing with the errant thought worm.  That, in and of itself, isn't enough though, at least not for me...not all of the time.  No, I'm far more blessed in that I have a wonderful support system that miraculously allows me to both give and receive when it comes to taxing situations that life brings.

Ah, giving and receiving.

I've always been good at giving...so much so that it became a kind of cover for not dealing with the real challenges facing my life.  It's been the receiving...receiving support in this specific case...that's been something of a challenge.  I've always had this "balance of payments" concept in my head whereby I never wanted to "owe" more than that was "owed" to me.  This comes from an innate fear of not being quite good enough (and therefore somehow needing to draw on that positive balance of payments).  How pathetically sad! Life isn't an accounting ledger.  Life isn't about counting your chips so that one day you can cash it all in.  Life is missed, in part, when you constantly have to constantly think though the balance of payments.

In the end this whole episode has been very, very instructive.  I've learned to accept the weight that I will be carrying.  More importantly, I've learned that for the first time in my life I actually feel supported.  There will be future stumbles, but I don't have to face them alone.

No comments: