Not Cease from Exploration

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Anger

Definitions of anger on the Web:

* a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance
* make angry; "The news angered him"
* the state of being angry
* become angry; "He angers easily"
* wrath: belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong (personified as one of the deadly sins)
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

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I wanted to get the definition out of the way before I start typing away.  I've always had a problem with anger, but it's not the problem most people have I suppose.  No, my problem is that I probably don't get angry enough.  Me, raise my voice?  Almost unheard of!  It's not as if I'm a Vulcan or something like that, incapable of feeling emotions.  I just don't know why anger is such a difficult emotion for me to express.  

It is there, mind you.  I think I actually feel about the same amount of anger as anyone else does, truth be told.  My best guess is that the anger I feel is often times covered in layers of guilt and other feelings.  It's almost as if there is something inside of me that usually gets away with saying "don't be angry, because this probably your fault anyway".  Maybe the anger is still there, but directed inwards instead of outwards.  

By my thinking, anger directed inward doesn't really look like anger any more.  I think the act of looking inside morphs it into some rancid form  of self-loathing.  Apparently the human form that I inhabit finds self-loathing and guilt to be far more acceptable than actually getting pissed off at someone or something in the non-fictional world that resides around me.  

Is all of this sick crap learned?  I have no clue.  I do know that I found myself today in the gym, all alone, shouting out in anger at things that were bothering me.  As bizarre as that sounds, it was a step in the right direction, because at least the anger was actually expressed externally as anger.  It was as honest an expression as one can get for a workplace health center at 5pm on a Sunday.

Maybe I need a mantra of some sort...

...it's okay to feel angry
...it's okay to express anger
...it's okay to be angry even when that anger may be somewhat unfounded

Maybe I'll incorporate this into my daily dose of Hail Mary's.

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