Not Cease from Exploration

Sunday, October 11, 2009

(Not So) Comfortably Numb

Hello,
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts


I've never been one for wearing my feeling on my sleeve, and I'm not about to do that now. However I will admit some struggles in maintaining a reasonable amount of personal sanity over the past few months. It's the usual culprits in my life...

...stress at work
...stress at home
...physically not taking care of myself
...not sleeping enough
...eating poorly
...holding myself to impossibly high standards (even when I say I'm not)
...etc

...it's just that these days the culprits are on steroids. At the heart of it all is the fact that, at age 45, I'm still not all that great at managing my own expectations. Wait, I'm not even sure if that's correct. That's the problem with this self-analysis stuff: it relies on a completely unreliable source of information, namely "self". In point of fact I'm really not sure what the hell is wrong with me. Hell, I'm not even sure if there is anything wrong with me. For all I know, inside my head is some vision of paradise compared to what might reside inside the skulls of others.

I do suspect though that there is supposed to be a bit more, well, "joy" to all of this.

So what's the plan to tackle all of this? Part of it is that I need to finish my current work assignment. Simply put, the stress of it is taking a huge toll. I'm away constantly, so I end up worrying about what is going on at home. It also prevents me from actually trying to accomplish anything meaningful at home. Traveling so much creates other problems as well; the biggest is that I end up living this almost bizzaro dual existence, and transitioning between the two halves is exceptionally difficult. I'm going from eating at Morton's Steak House on Thursday night to eating cold cereal for dinner on Friday night while I watch Hulu broadcasts of the latest "Family Guy" episodes.

I also need to "re grow-up", as I would put it, about my health. I have the eating habits of a 12 year old, and I should know better. I'm 40+ pounds over my weight just two years ago. I feel bad so I eat, which makes me feel bad.

If it didn't should so pathetic, I'd also mention that there is a certainly loneliness to all of this. Wait, I think I just did.

Uncomfortably Numb.

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