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Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's 4:45AM, Why Am I Even Typing?

Yes, I am sitting here in a hotel room at about a quarter to five in the morning. I made the enormous mistake of laying down at about 9:45pm last night, which meant that I fell asleep pretty quickly, which also meant that I ended up getting up far too early.

I do have this love/hate relationship with sleeping.

Anyway, when faced with situations like this, I'm always left with the dilemma as to whether or not I should lay back down for a while, useless in bed, or try and stay up, get some work done and just get the day going. I despise the former alternative, although I will also confess to acting on it once or twice. For today, I'm sticking with choice #2. Now come 9pm tonight I'll probably pay the price for my insolence via sheer exhaustion, reducing me to drinking caffeinated drinks about 7pm just so that I don't collapse early and breed this cycle even more.

I could blame this on the Olive Garden I suppose. Between salad, breadsticks, lasagna and desert, my digestive system probably shunted every once of energy in my body just for digestive purposes, making me the functional equivalent of a silver-back gorilla for the night. Yes, but I know better, don't I?

Knowing better.

I've often wondered if I have the bizarre compulsion to commit suicide via over-eating. I eat far too much, and the only thing standing between me and morbid obesity is the fact that I run around like a maniac all day (until I manage to lay down and then normally collapse into sleep). I know that I should be eating better, I feel better when I am eating better, I've lost a ton of weight by eating better, yet I still eat like crap. This is complicated stuff. Maybe it has more to do with growing up (than growing...out). A few years ago I lost a ton of weight and I did it the right way, by working with a nutritionist, counting calories, exercising, etc. Also in the mix was the fact that someone in my immediate family was very, very ill at the time; I think part of my devotion of a better lifestyle was a combination of:
  1. I want to be healthy (not like this other person)
  2. That is out of my control, so I need to have something important in my life that I can control

More heavily weighted towards #2 by the way.


Control is a big issue with me. It's my drug of choice. It's not that I am a true "control freak" in the classical sense of the word. For example, I have ABSOLUTELY NO desire to control the actions of anyone around me, family included. As far as I am concerned, it's strictly "live and let live". I do, however, have an absolutely need to be in control of those things that impact just me. This makes the situation all the more bizarre, in that I don't control what I put into my body in terms of food. Or maybe I do.

Okay, this is far too weighty stuff for so early a time in the morning. God help my class today, as I may end up comparing to Romanesque architecture.

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