What I've struggle the most with...

In the "deep thoughts" department, I found myself thinking ("I know, what a revelation!  What, Steve thinking?") the other day about the things in life I've struggled the most with over these decades of relative consciousness.  There were lots of parts mentally spread out, but when assembled, they made a relatively simple picture:

For whatever reason I believed I was different.  Not the "good" different, but the "bad" different.

Yeah, yeah, I could blame a lack of parenting, the Catholic Church, fluoride in my drinking water, the Democrats (oh, sorry, that's on Rush Limbaugh's list) and countless other things, but in the end, I own this.  That comes with adulthood, by the way:  we own how we feel, (for the most part) we own our circumstances in life and we own what we do with ourselves. 

The ironic part of this is that, in hindsight, the whole line of thought about being different is incredibly not supported by any facts or logic.  Yeah, sure, I've had my share of ups and downs, but Hell, we all have.

We all have.

That's another revelation.  Introverts, such as myself, have this tendency to look inwards.  That produces all manner of cool stuff, but it comes at a cost:  we lose perspective.  We measure the world based on a single yardstick, namely the one we have in our own heads.  If we grow up to believe that our yardstick is shorter than average, then the standard by which we measure ourselves will inevitably come up short time and time again.  Needlessly so, I will add.  

As I've said here before during one of these quasi-rambling "private but yet public" thought exercises, I've learned that we are all equally dysfunctional.  We all are.  What's truly important isn't the stuff on the outside that we do, say or have, it's the stuff on the inside.  It's all very circular actually:  how we feel directs how we think; how we think directs what we do.  If that previously mentioned internal yardstick is perpetually short, then we tend to be dissatisfied with what we do, which then starts the whole cycle all over again, burdened even more so by past perceptions of failure.  

Pretty heady stuff.  The good news, it seems, is that this internally focused dialogue can also be changed.  I'm not claiming that the solution is for introverts, such as myself, to "stop thinking", but rather to spend more time thinking:  thinking about the internal dialogue itself.  

As for me, I've come to realize over time that I am different, but not "bad" different:  just different,  We are all different, by the way, and I've made my peace with it.  Am I perfectly at peace?  Hell no, but that's okay, because no one else is perfectly at peace either.    Yes, I still find myself having that internal dialogue of "you f-ed that one one up Steve", but at least now it's not the only dialogue going on in my head.

Facebook Graphics: Drug Testing for Welfare Recipients

I see these graphics on the Facebooks all the time, and for the most part I don't give them so much as a passing thought.  However, mostly for my own ammusement, I'm going to give this one a passing thought (or two).

For the record, I don't believe that drug testing "Welfare" recipients is unconstitutional.  Also, for the record, I don't believe that there is a federal program called "Welfare" any more; the current program is called "Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF)".  However, I do believe that it is:

1) Potentially a waste of money, if done haphazzardly.
2) Harmful when children are involved.

To point #1:  I'd like to see a cost/benefit analysis of a potential drug testing programs.  What would it cost, and how much would be saved in terms of denied benefits?  I imagine the testing could be done in a random manner, and if there was competitive bidding for the testing contract(s), then maybe the overhead would be sufficiently low.  But there are a lot of "if's" that last sentence, and let's face it:  governments are not known for either efficiency or the low bidding of contracting.

To point #2:  What happens if, under a testing program, an adult with children is denied benefits?  Would not innocent children be negatively impacted?  If parental benefits are reduced, but benefits maintained for the children, then what's to stop the parent from taking money designated for the children and using it to buy beer and menthol cigarettes instead of food and clothes for the kids?

In the end, the issue here isn't one of constitutionality, it is a matter of common sense and compassion.

It is common sense, in my book, for those receiving governmental support to basically be held to a minimum standard of "you can't break the law".  The real question is this:  so if you catch them breaking the law, then what happens?  That's where the issue of compassion comes into play.  I don't have a ton of compassion for people that make the choice to use illegal drugs, as adults are responsible for their own behavior.  Children, however, are NOT responsible for the behavior of their parents, and they should not suffer because Mom and/or Dad are mentally weak and therefore feel compelled to take drugs in order to escape reality.

This is a classic "knee-jerk emotional reaction" kind of thing.  We can do better.  Now what would "better" be?  Well I don't really know, and to be honest, any solution drummed up by an idiot writing a blog probably wouldn't be all that helpful anyway.  However, at the core of any solution is to first identify the real issue to be solved.  In this case, I can guarantee you just one thing:  the REAL issue is absolutely, positively isn't "angry taxpayers".

Road Apples, #140

Wills, Part I...I am finally getting around to having a new "last will and testament" created and filed.  I had thought about doing this on my own, as I did for my advanced directive (a.k.a. Living Will), but the laws in Pennsylvania make the former a bit more dicey of an endeavor.  Luckily, the attorney handing my mother's estate gave me a very good price for my documentation, so he got the nod.  I'm at the draft review stage, and the Executor and back-up have been named (one knows, the other doesn't...and will not know...unless "it" happens).  So far, so good.  I'm only going to have even one minor out of the ordinary item, namely I want a donation made to Penn State Harrisburg (in the event of my demise).  Maybe they can build a bench in my honor.

Wills, Part II...It's something of an interesting study in human behavior as I help work through my mother's estate.  Why she did what she did, in some instances, makes perfectly logical sense.  In other instances?  It almost borders on being cruel.  Regardless, this whole thing is instructive for me, yet another example of what not to do in life, and in death.  We never stop learning from our parents.

F. Scott and Zelda...I've been reading lately about my least favorite author and his wife, a pair that make Khloe and Lamar look like a bunch of Mormon missionaries.  You can get a sample HERE.  Drunken binges, marital infidelity, insane asylums, professional jealousy...man, they had it "all".  For the record, I still have no desire to ever even attempt to read The Great Gatsby.

Marian McPartland...died last month at the age of 95.  I am not a fan of Jazz, but I was a fan of her public radio show "Piano Jazz".  She had a great life's story and a wonderful demeanor, one that came through in all of her interviews.  You can read her AmIAnnoyingOrNot profile HERE.  She was clearly not annoying.

Health News...Last night was the first night I've gotten a decent night's sleep in, well, weeks.  Why I'm having trouble sleeping is beyond me.  Well, truth be told I've always had mostly a hate relationship with sleep for most of my adult life.  It's unproductive and I detest the notion that some folks view sleep as a way to escape from reality.  As someone who can't seem to keep reality out of my head for any stretch of time, I find the concept of hiding from it in bed to be the ultimate expression of "weak". Anyway, even I readily acknowledge that a certain degree of sleep is required for basic human health, and I've been failing in that regard.  Hell, I've even contemplated some kind of "natural" remedy for sleep, but let's hope it doesn't get  to that point.  I am hoping that a combination of eating better, exercising more and trying to screw my head on a bit better may do the trick.  I still hate sleep though.

Blog-O-Versary...I have a 5 year blog-o-versary coming up in October.  Now how to celebrate?

House Hearings on Syria...I watched a bit of the House of Representative hearing on Syria, and was basically disgusted by the fact that many of the Republicans on the panel decided to get in a few Benghazi shots in the grilling of Kerry, Hagel and company.  Not that Democrats would be any better if roles were reversed, mind you.  But what's next?  Maybe we can find a way to tie Food Stamps to Benghazi.  Or maybe the failing Philadelphia School District.  Or unemployment.  Or maybe increasing rates of Autism in children.  Seriously guys, there are times when making political points simply is pointless.  This is one such time  There are enough real issues to discuss and debate about Syria, so let's leave the "gotcha" stuff for talk radio.  For the record, after the GOP Reps got off their Benghazi rants, I actually found their questions and points made to be pretty spot-on.

Sony is my LEAST Favorite Tech Company...at the moment.  Why?  Well I accidentally deleted Evernote from my Sony S Tablet, and wouldn't you know, the current version of Evernote will not work with the older version of Android on my tablet.  From what I gather, Sony has no desire to upgrade the tablet either, so now I have a machine that can't run something I got the tablet for in the first place.  Before I declare a total failure I am going to see if Sony can somehow remedy the situation.

Labor Day 2013

Today is Labor Day, a day on which I'm not quite sure what we celebrate.  "Labor" is something of a nebulous concept after all.

Labor as in "labor unions"?

Labor as in generic work activity?

What constitutes "work activities" anyway?

Regardless, and to avoid any further over-thinking, I'm going to simply say that, for myself, today is a day to reflect on the value of hard work.  There is a real nobility in working hard to support oneself.  Even more nobility when that labor supports others.  Even more than that, labor is at its very best when it supports others who then learn to support themselves.

I think we lose sight of the value of hard work.  Too many fall for the "get rich quick" mentality of lotteries or, even worse, wealth via lawsuit.  Too many people become famous not for what they produce, but for simply the act of being famous.  Forget that nonsense spewed by the likes of Pat Robertson (and his ilk):  the real sign of degradation in American society are those blatantly heterosexual Kardashians, not hard-working gay folks who just want to marry their best friends.  Our priorities are all messed up sometimes.

For me, I am at my best when I am working hard.  It doesn't matter what I am working hard at; it could be working around the house with my hands or working on something in the office that involves more of my head.  Conversely, I am at my worst when I sit here, stewing over this, that or the other thing.  If ever there was a truism for my life, it's this:  I simply and truly enjoy working hard.  It's my hope that my daughters carry this forward into their adult lives.

No War.

It's time to take a stand.

It's time to say ENOUGH to the United States acting as the police force for basically an ungrateful world.

It's time to stop spending my tax dollars...and yours...hurling multi-million dollar weapons at a bunch of bad actors.  For the record, Bashir al-Assad isn't even the worst of them.

It's time to stop being inconsistent.  Where was the bombing campaign when Pol Pot was killing over a million of his fellow Cambodians?  Or the Kim family, as they systematically kill just about every North Korean who doesn't serve in the military?  The list goes on.  Our "moral outrage" is immorally inconsistent.

It's time to stop being the world's conscience.  We don't have the right.

It's time for us to STOP acting on behalf of "humanity".  When last I checked, there is plenty of "humanity" outside of North America, so if "humanity" is truly offended by the actions of the Syrian dictator, then "humanity" can act.

It's time to help ourselves as much as we help the rest of the world.  I have no doubt that there are roads in Iraq right now that are in better condition than I84 going into Pennsylvania.

Yes, any dictator that uses poison gas to kill his own people should be held accountable, but hurling a bunch of cruise missiles doesn't guarantee accountability:  it just guarantees lots of dead people (some no doubt innocent), which defeats the purpose of acting in the first place.

Side Note - Scranton School District Posting

Reference this posting:

Scranton School District:  Yes, It Is THAT Bad

After this story broke, I did something I normally never do:  I commented about the story on the Scranton Time's website.  Now there were well over a hundred comments by the evening of the story, but what comment wasn't listed?  That would be mine.  Apparently I must have violated some rule or another.  Maybe I used my own name (from what I gather, one is supposed to use a pseudonym, you know, like "Carlos Danger").  Maybe I wasn't snarky enough.  Maybe, since I said the teacher was innocent until proven guilty, I was off script.

What did I post?  Well basically a truncated version of the above referenced posting.

What's also interesting is that in as much as the Scranton Times made a big splash with the story initially, I haven't seen any follow-up.  It could be that there is nothing to follow-up on; it could be that the story was a bit too much for the Scranton Times to handle.  Scranton is a small town, and people in the Scranton School District are mightily connected.  We shall see.

Yes, we shall see.  This is a great example of an area where journalism can make a difference.  The real issue in this case isn't the DUI allegation.  Hell, people around here get accused of DUI all the time; at most you read some small-type legal notice about some poor soul having to enter into some program.  No, the real issue here is that once again we have evidence of nepotism and glaring conflicts of interest in a local school district.  And no one so much as blinks an eye.  Well I did, and will.

Now in defense of the Scranton Times, they do, from time to time, talk about public sector corruption in it's many forms (including the family tree that constitutes the Scranton School District's organization chart).  But I don't think they do enough.  What can they do?  Well I (more or less) repeat my previous challenge:


Dear Scranton Times:

Please publish a list/chart showing the interpersonal relationships between past and current Scranton School District administrators (including past and present school board members) and other district employees.  Let's see, in black-n-white, all of the family relationships.  For bonus points, also consider listing the names of district employees who are related to local politicians.  How many people know, for example, that Scranton City Council's Janet Evans has a son who is district employee?

I will be waiting, all be it impatiently.

Sincerely, 

S. Elmer Albert

Road Apples, #139

Welcome back Gort...It was nice to see Gort return to some blogging activities on Monday.  You can read his posting HERE.  In addition to just being a Hell of a good guy overall, Gort was very supportive when I first started this blog, almost 5 years ago.  Here's to many more future postings.  Sadly, despite Gort's best efforts, I wasn't able to call into WILK this morning to talk about his posting.  The reason?  A combination of being too busy and a desire on my part to not offend WILK or it's audience.

Violence in Wilkes-Boro...Is it me or has there been an epidemic of violence in Scranton's smaller sister city lately?  The latest incident involved the shooting of two small children (story link HERE).  It's hard to fathom how anyone could live with themselves after having done something this horrible.

Speaking of violence...it looks like there will be more of it in Syria.  While there is no doubt that only a monster would use poison gas, I'm not sure why we, once again, need to be the world's police force.

The House Sale Department...Work continues in the home sale department.  No offers yet, but then again I have't planted the St Joseph statue yet.  It's a great house folks...BUY MY HOUSE!!  Link HERE.  The multi-list number is 13-3922.

VMA's...Complaining about trashy performances on MTV's Video Music Awards is like standing in the middle of a landfill and complaining about the smell:  it just comes with the territory.  The fact that so many people have been talking/complaining about the performances on the VMA's is probably "music" to the ears of the MTV executives.  By the way, in what alternate universe is a 32 year old entitled to "Lifetime Achievement" award?

Elysium...I watched this over the weekend.  Bottom line?  Recommended.  Matt Damon is convincing in a fairly gritty role.  Sharlto Copley is simply outstanding as the bad-guy "Kruger".  More on Kruger below...



This is the same guy who played the relatively meek Wikus van der Merwe in District 9.

Other health news...in burning the candle at both ends, I really did manage to temporarily wreck my health.  Weeks of sleeping little, guzzling energy drinks to stay awake and then taking something to help me sleep at night took it's toll. The inevitable crash happened last weekend, as Ms Rivers and I traveled down to Wyncote to visit her parents.  Maybe it was being forced to relax, but I just felt horrible.  Tight chest, constantly feeling tired, and last weekend it included digestive problems.  Enough.  I'm glad to report that after having felt like crap last weekend, I've made the very conscious decision to pace myself better.  To get more sleep.  To swear off things that keep me awake and thing that put me to sleep.  Whatever will happen with the house sale will happen, but there's no sense in my killing myself in the process.

Scranton School District: Yes, It Is THAT Bad

A Scranton School District teacher was arrested and charged with DUI and child endangerment.  This is not a good situation, but hey, this person is innocent until proven guilty and she should be treated a such.

Article HERE.

What really bothers me about this story?  It's the fact that she is the wife of the Scranton School District's superintendent, William King.

Yes, you read that one correctly:  she ultimately reports up to her husband.

Please do tell me:  Outside of a family-run business (which, apparently, the Scranton School District now qualifies...), when is it ever appropriate to have one spouse report to another?

How do we know that principals do not court favor with Mr King by treating his wife with kit gloves?

How do other teachers know that Ms King's classroom assignments, number of students, and the like are not influenced by her husband (or people wanting to court favor with her husband)?

How can taxpayers be assured that Ms King is worth the salary we pay her when clearly she has direct, regular and personal access to the district's key decision maker?

What inside information has Ms King received that she has been able to use to better her career?

The answer to all of the above questions is unqualified WE DON'T KNOW.  And that is the problem.  This whole situation is a MESS and speaks loudly to why taxpayers have little confidence in the operations of the district.

As for me, I'd like to see two things come out of this:

1. To the Scranton Times - Please publish an organization chart showing the relationships between Scranton School District employees and current/former district administrators/leaders.  I think the visual would be shocking.
2. To the Scranton School Board - Please do the RIGHT THING and pass a real anti-nepotism policy. Yes, in such a policy, on occasion a good teacher may not get a job due to a family relationship.  So be it. However, under the current situation, just as many good teachers DO NOT get jobs because THEY ARE NOT related to someone of influence.  In the end, the talent argument in favor of nepotism (just saying that makes me feel, well, filthy) doesn't hold water.

I'm not holding my breath for either to happen.

Ted Cruz declares that he is NOT a Canadian!

Just as Michael Scott unfortunately learned that you can't simply "declare" bankruptcy, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has learned that you can't simply "declare" that you are not Canadian.

Story link HERE.

It's actually kind of funny when you think about it:  a guy who panders to Tea Baggers (many being notorious as "birthers") now can't seem to easily un-Canadian himself.

As they say up in the Great White North...

Beauty, Eh!

Swimming Up Stream

Yesterday, the pressure felt steady but intense.  The "pressure" I refer to was mental...I have a lot of work to do in the office, I have a house to sell, etc...and physical...my chest felt like it was tightly wrapped in cellophane.  I keep telling myself that things will be getting easier, and maybe they will, but there's always that "X factor" in life that you can never plan for that somehow always keeps you on the edge of your seat.

Reflecting back, there are times when I wonder just how the Hell I made it this far. This especially came to light last week at work during a conversation I was having with our site EAP (Employee Assistance Program) person.  Linda, who is one of nicest human beings I have ever met, just wanted to make sure I was "okay" in light of my mother's passing. The resulting conversation punctuated just how difficult it was for me to be the good son.  My mother was never what you would call a positive person, and the every Sunday the time we spent together was far from "Tuesdays with Morrie". In fact, at times it was horrible. It was as if every Sunday I was dipped in negative goo, willingly, and was powerless to do anything about it. Caught between a sense of duty (as a son) and a need for self-caring, the good son always won out. I did my duty and paid something of a price.

As I explained to Linda, about 50% of the time I spent with my Mom she was in her "normal" mood, which was a kind of dull-edged pissed off. About 40% of the time she was downright nasty, complaining about everyone and everything. About 10% of the time my Mom could be supportive and caring. Now to her credit, that 10% usually came when you needed it most (such as when I was going through my divorce), but it was still by far and away the exception and not the rule. The worst part of all was that there was no predictability to her moods. But yet I soldiered on.

Linda, by the way, was amazed at this micro-story. A quarter century of Sundays more or less stolen from me, all out of a sense of duty. This was in addition to countless other times when I would come over during the week to do things for my mother, such as helping her with a federal tax problem in late 2012.  Anyway, all of this this makes me either a great son or a moron. Maybe a little of both.  Regardless, I am still acclimating to having my Sundays returned to me.

It all does fit together in a way.  Maybe part of this "swimming up stream"  feeling stems not just from the tactical things I am doing; maybe part of it stems from that feeling that I am looking back and seeing a part of my life so polluted.

* * * * * * * * * *  * * * * * * * 

Post Script.

It's Sunday morning, and I write this in a lovely home in Wyncote, Pennsylvania.  It wrote the above yesterday, on my cellphone, while (continuing) to feel physically really damn bad.  Now I have the benefit of having gone to bed at about 9:30pm last night and waking up this morning at about 6:20am or so.  I slept reasonably well and reasonably long, two things that have escaped me for months.  

I suspect that there will be more to come in the "Mom decompression" department.  

And I need to work on some other things as well.

And it's Sunday, with nothing negative to (not) look forward to.