(source: Wikipedia)
Today, November 2, 2026, is considered to be All Souls Day by many Christian traditions; see this link for additional information. It's a day that I typically don't dwell on most years, but this year is different, and I am not sure why. Maybe this is one of the parts about getting older that no one warns you about:
You accumulate experiences and memories to a point where there is far more behind you than in front of you.
It's a kind of tipping point, if you will, of the consciousness. Now I will state for the record that, while I readily admit my issues for all the world to more or less read about (here, over the years), remaining sullen and fixated in the past is not one of them. While my feet remain planted very firmly in the present moment, I also acknowledge that a certain kind of sadness at the thoughts of others departed is something that is part of a healthy existence. Or this is what I am telling myself.
While it seems like many have passed away over the past decade or so, my thoughts gravitate towards my brother Chris, who passed away almost 10 years ago. There's a lot written about that in this blog already, so I'm not going to repeat myself. What's not written though is how much on certain days the loss feels somehow greater. The spiritual among us (a group of which I am not a member...) would probably say that a kind of veil between existences may be thinner on days like this, making these kinds of contemplations more readily available. Such things are beyond my paygrade, but so are a lot of things in life that I readily acknowledge, even if I am incapable of comprehending the reasons behind them. Liking peanut butter is one such thing. Seriously, it is. I am not sure how humans can consume something so vile. But so I digress.
In point of fact, I am not really sure what I miss about my brother Chris. His final year(s) was an unmitigated disaster. Addiction and relationship issues had taken their toll, along with, I firmly believe, a kind of reckoning about the relationship he had with our mother. As I have noted in prior postings, I think Chris had a kind of unacknowledged quest to prove our mother wrong. Not about any one thing in particular, but to basically just prove that he was smart, capable, independent, confident and worthy of the love she was really incapable of showing to her sons. When she passed away, I think part of what motivated him died as well. He was a knight who no longer had a quest, and all of what was left were demons hiding in the shadows. In the end, those demons won the battle, but I think/hope/believe that they ultimately lost the war.
I don't know what I would say to Chris if he suddenly appeared. Once in a blue moon he will appear in a dream, but it's always in the most mundane of scenes. A kind of reminder that he is still here, if only in my memories. That's what I am left with, along with some photographs and the ability to think "well, what if..." from time to time. More than anything else though, Chris was a member of a very, very small and exclusive club of folks where I could, while around them, exhale.


