Here is my version, crafted for the angry religious right (regardless of the actual religion).
"Now when the preacher saw the potential for more money he went on television and began to teach to those who are perpetually gullible.
Blessed are the rich,
for they shall buy into the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are angry,
for they shall find comfort in the pain of others.
Blessed are the boisterous,
for they shall be called winners.
Blessed are the gluttonous,
for they shall feel success in their excess.
Blessed are the spiteful,
for they shall see that mercy is for suckers.
Blessed are the cold of heart,
for they shall know that compassion is only for losers.
Blessed are the warmakers,
for they shall be called conquerors of men.
Blessed are those who discriminate in the name of the lord,
for theirs is the kingdom of Earth."
* * * * * *
To end this on a more positive note:
"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves."