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Monday, October 27, 2014

I really want to like October

I really, really do want to like the month of October.  It has a lot going for it:  cooler (but not cold) weather, changing leaves, that "back to school" routine finally sinking in, Halloween, pumpkin patch visits, fresh apples and the like.  Yet for me, so many other things have happened in October that the month is mortally tainted.  The "things" I refer to are all either personal or work-related, so there's no sense getting into specifics, other than the fact that the month has not always been so kind.

What do you do about such a thing?  I know that there is always the notion of "taking it back", but even with the grandest of celebrations, the memories of ghosts from the past will always be there for me.  While the good mental health side of me learned a long time ago the value of not obsessing over the past, that ability to keep latent emotions in check isn't something that I'd bet my life on, at least as far as internal struggles go.  On the outside?  Well everything would continue to look fine; it's just the inside that will be something of a mess.

Maybe, just maybe, the thing to do is what I have been doing for just about ever October in recent memory:  namely acknowledge that it will always be a tough month for me and simply move on.  It's simply not possible to completely forget, and in completely honesty, I don't think I want to forget.  That sounds rather masochistic, but in reality it's not that I am enjoying the mental demons playing rollerball in my head, but rather eliminating them entirely would deprive me of some pretty hard-fought lessons life lessons learned.

In the end, I'm going to settle for something of a detente with October; I won't ever claim victory, but nor will I fall to defeat either.

(featured promently in the movie Rollerball)

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